1. "Fail" and "epic fail" need to please, please die.
They were never that cute or funny. At this point, they're NEGATIVELY cute and funny. That is to say, they upset me. They make my heart ache. It's like bringing up a bitter memory that died and faded away long ago. A tragic situation.
If you must continue to say these things, please just keep it to yourself. Go back to whacking it to anime porn on 4Chan.
Spare me.
2. School is about strategy.
It's an oft-propagated myth that success in education has something to do with learning--it doesn't. If you know how to read your instructors, you can pass almost anything.
Learn to recognize teachers who will give you an extension on any due date, no matter how crappy the excuse. USE THIS--but only once. And remember: it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
Specific dead family members are good; mysterious "family circumstances" are better. No one wants to hear about your mess. They just want to get on with their day. They probably don't quite feel like grading your paper yet anyway. They'd probably love that little break to play with their dog or make an important phone call.
3. Everybody is a person.
JUST a person.
No one you know has ever lived before this go-round.
If they have, they certainly don't remember it.
If they say they remember it, they don't remember it, and they're crazy; ignore them.
"People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous."
Yeah, you're right Regina Spektor. I should make THEM nervous.
4. "Chill" isn't actually a complimentary thing to be called.
Many exceedingly "chill" people might actually just be closet bores--or they're trying too hard.
Why not have a little enthusiasm about...just... THINGS.
They're the only things you're gonna get.
You might as well pay attention to them, because pretending to be too cool for everything is a big fat shitty waste of time.
Your voice would probably really love to stretch its legs.
Why not explore its range and pitch a little when you talk?
Monotonous droning is reserved for robots, the old, and the infirm.
If you don't smile and laugh sometimes, you might forget how.
And that would be awkward for everyone.
5. If you manage to stop caring what people think, there's a good chance they'll start to think better of you.
That's fucking TRICKY, and I don't have much else to say about it. It might actually be impossible.
6. "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" is hard to say, but even harder to type.
With a mere slip of the hand, a harmless children's rhyme quickly becomes disturbing animal-on-lumber pornography.
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